AND, OF COURSE.

i know that's what the first thought would be when reading this.
"OF COURSE this post is about thankfulness. typical."
but i mean, i don't think i can honestly say i show my gratitude half as much as i should.
i am grateful for my current, future and even past friends.
i am grateful for my family.
i am grateful for the life i live.
but most importantly i'm grateful for God.
i know for a fact that i wouldn't be here or have any of that without Him.

as i look back, it never ceases to amaze me how blessed i've been.
yes, i complain and yes, i always find something that i "won't get through."
but despite all of that, God still doesn't give up.
He's a feisty one, that's for sure.

i feel that this will turn into a rather lengthy blog.

i've already expressed my thankfulness for God.
He's the one constant in my life. i now know that.
that's all that needs to be said.

my family. words cannot show my full appreciation for these people.
they mean everything to me.
i know i don't show it sometimes, but i'd do anything for them.
i've definitely put them through enough to owe them that.
if there's anyone that can put up with me it's these people.
and God bless them for that.
i love my mom, dad, and sister to death.

another person is my closest and dearest friend, RJ.
to be honest, our relationship is strange.
we've only known each other for a little more than a year.
YES. ONE YEAR. it's still mind-blowing to me.
every so often we'll get into a discussion about how we became friends.
and all in all we've concluded that neither of us really knows.
yet, with that said, i can't say i've connected with someone so quickly.
this boy. he has dealt with me at my worst.
he has witnessed my ups, my downs, and everything in between.
sometimes i wonder why he's even still in my life,
but i sure am grateful for that.
i've never met such a caring, trustworthy, honest, loyal, and protective person.
and those are only a few amazing characteristics about him.
his God-centered attitude and endless motivation is encouraging.
it's like an unspoken drive he has that makes ME want to be a better person.
although we've known each other only for a short while,
i can now say i know what a true friend is.
and i swear on my life, i will not let this one go. EVER.

a few other people that i have crossed paths with recently are those at LSU.
it has not been an easy transition going to a new school.
in fact, contrary to what i tell people, it's been terrible.
i miss my old school, old friends, old environment, and old self.
even though i get tired of routine, i am also weary to change.
i know, puts me in a very difficult situation.
but thanks to a few old AND new friends that happen to go to LSU, i'm surviving.
actually, no, i'm more than surviving. i'm finally starting to enjoy it.
breane, andrew, carl, dejon, jason, brandon, ariel, and of course my sister.
this school year would not be even remotely as fun as it is without them.
God put these people in my life. i just know it.

MORE people would definitely have to be my only real friends from SGA, adriana and kelvin.
yes, we've put each other through hell and back a few times. seriously.
but in the end we can still spend time together carefree.
being with these two is comedy.
they inspire each other and inspire me.
high school sucked. but these two made it bearable.
we would ditch classes and constantly talked to the point of getting kicked out of class.
i had to deal with a lot in high school,
but had i not known these two, i think i would have given up.
i am so grateful that they will forever be in my life.
like i told kelvin today, they are stuck with me whether they like it or not.

then there are the PUC friends.
i left PUC, which i actually do not regret.
but i do miss these people more than anything there.
the three most significant ones are Sarah, Jewel, and Josh.
i ended my time at PUC on a low note.
like really, a round two of deperession.
thankfully, i was blessed with these amazing people.
each of them were capable of putting a smile on my face.
they checked up on me regularly.
i don't know what i would have done without them.
i love the fact that they had my back and i had theirs.
that's never going to change.
these three are the best and i am so lucky to call them friends.


trust me, there are SO many more people i am thankful for. SO MANY.
if i could list them all, i would.
these are the people who, not only am i grateful for,
but have left their mark in my life.
they are the ones who have impacted and influenced me.
as in, i would not be who i am today without them.
it's funny, i highly doubt most of them even know their importance to me.
one day, i hope i will be able to give back to them even a fraction of what they've given me.
but for now, i will just do my best to put myself aside for them and be their friend.
i know i am not perfect, but i think i owe that to them. i really do.

God, thank you for the people you've given me to love.

happy birthday, little sister.

consistency is just not a good way to define my life.
friends have come and go,
i've changed schools,
went back and forth maturity-wise.
but one thing that has always been consistent is my sister.
yes, we fight. (way more before than now.)
this, though, has only led to a stronger relationship between us.
i can not express how much i truly appreciate her constant love and care for me.
although i'm older, she takes care of me.
she puts me before herself and has never failed to make me laugh.
things have not been easy for me lately.
i recently transfered to a new school,
we have many family issues,
i'm having difficulties with many of my friends,
yet this girl is always there to make me laugh and smile.
i know i don't really show my appreciation, but she knows how grateful i am.
seriously, God could not have put a better sister in my life.
i'm blessed in so many ways, but she is definitely one of the best ways.

the right thing to say.

Today was a boring day turned busy.
I was supposed to either go to my bestfriend's house or he come to mine.
unfortunately, he got sick, so that plan changed.
i told him i'd bring him food and so i went to kogi and took it to his house.
after that, i went to adriana's house.
we hung out and talked a lot.
finally catching up because we haven't done that for awhile.
it was a good time and we definitely had our fair share of "girl time."
we also watched "friends with benefits" which i happen to love.
that movie is just so cute! i really like it.
after that we went to the mall and then this shaved ice place by her house.
we sat there for hours just talking and fantasizing about the future.
i finally decided i should be heading home,
so i dropped her off at her house then back home i went!
when i got home i was feeling a little.. i don't know.. down.
so of course my bestfriend just.. KNEW.
ughhhh.. he always knows.
but i explained to him what was going through my head.
and then again he didn't say "awww don't worry, it's okay."
instead, he basically said "come on, pull yourself together."
and he told me what he thought was best and did something i admire.
he gave me a bible verse that pertained to the situation.
it won't make sense if anyone reads this,
but it makes sense to me and this blog is for ME.
so elissa, remember the bible verse Genesis 3:6.
sometimes this guy surprises me. no. all the time..
and i truly appreciate it.
he really just knew the right things to say. such a blessing.

Appreciations.

I look back at previous blog posts, tweets, facebook statuses, etc.
and although it's not all of them, MANY of them are nothing but complaints.
i try to consider myself a very positive person,
some may not agree, but i pray to God that most would.
with that said,
i've decided that i need to remind myself of the things i'm blessed with.
i could not have a better life and i sometimes take that for granted.
so rather than just your typical blog,
i've decided this one to be a prayer. a thank you prayer.

dear God,
i know i may not show appreciation for the small things in my life,
but i'm here right now to do so.
i want to list the ones that come to mind right here, right now,
but you know that is far from being all of them.

what i am thankful for:
-mercy and forgiveness
-my family (immediate and extended)
-the gift to see past people's flaws and mistakes
-the ability to let go of any unnecessary burdens
-my love for people
-my best friend in the whole world who's there to end my days perfectly
-my home and bed (i love my bed.)
-my "sister" who's gone through thick and thin with me since the 4th grade
-the hugs i get. they mean more to me than anyone could imagine
-the food i eat on a daily basis (sometimes more than i should)
-education and the environment i was raised in
-my homework (that i hate to do.)
-the skittles we had when i had a craving
-my pillowpet that my sister gave me
-the 6 pillows on my bed
-mac and phone
-all the pictures i've been able to take with the people i love
-my friends who are there to keep me on track
-music i've been lucky to hear
-the sushi and mochi ice cream i got to eat today
-all these movies i've seen
-the hopes and dreams i have
-nail polish i can paint my toe nails with (i dislike feet.. even mine)
-my ability to smile
-my faith in people
-the love i am constantly feeling all around me
-SO MUCH MORE

i thought i'd be able to list most of the things i'm grateful for,
but i just can't. there is way too many things.
all i know is that You have blessed me.
so thank you so much.
i will forever be grateful.
love you so much, God.

AMEN!

so elissa, please remember this.
keep your head up, your faith strong, and your heart grateful.
because there's nothing like living in contentment.

i just thought of something.

i complain about others (to ONE person that tolerates my ranting) as if i'm the exception.
i'll constantly catch myself saying "well they are..." "well that's how girls.." "those people..."
who EVER said i am the exception?!
i am just as much of an irritation as any of them!
so if you ever hear me saying mean things about people,
just know that i am including myself in that.
because i am no different.
silly elissa, grow up!

my trust in people.

this summer i have learned a lot about my trust in people.
at the moment i can honestly say out of the 2 people i trust (other than family),
only one of them is someone that i've known for more than a couple years.
these two people, i would give my life for them.
but like i have said in a previous post,
i find that i tend to go through friends in cycles.
bad habit? insecurity? lack of trust?
i don't know what it is,
but i feel like out of anyone,
i'm the one that should be trusted the least.
JUST in high school i can think of 5 or 6 "best friends" that i now rarely talk to.
yes, all of them i still consider friends.
i try to consider all people who i cross paths with friends.
but would i trust each of them with my most intimate information? probably not.
at the moment there are 2 people, that's it.
so maybe it's me.
maybe i'm the one that should be avoided as a "best friend"
rather than me constantly blaming others for our distancing relationships.
regardless, i try to be there for people no matter what.
i will admit though, i have had to deal with some pretty frustrating "best friends."
so this may be the reason i've lost my ability to fully trust.
yes, sometimes i don't even understand myself.
all i can say is, i appreciate every single person that has come and gone in my life.
EVERY SINGLE ONE.
even if things are not smooth sailing now,
it's people who were the most important to me at one point that have shaped me into who i am now.
and there are no words that could express my appreciation for that.
for the two that i put before myself right now,
you just don't know how grateful i am for allowing me to trust you.
and seriously, i don't take that for granted because i know how difficult that is for me to find.

this needs to be LESS... inconsistent.

so i realize that i come to this blog maybe once every 3-5 months.
yes, i know.
there are two potential rationales for this.
one is that my life is beyond boring and i really don't have anything to talk about.
the other is that my life is SO eventful that i don't have TIME to talk about it.
i am still contemplating this.
but for right now i will substantially, yet briefly (is that an oxymoron or just a juxtaposition?)
express what has been going on in my mind.. and well, my life.

as of last quarter i decided to transfer schools to la sierra.
i get the same question over and over again "WHY?"
that is a very good question, but at the same time very difficult answer.
i guess this is because i have no reasoning towards the decision.
it's actually just something i felt would be best for me.
not going to lie, i am very excited, other than the thought of leaving my friends.
i will miss them immensely.

there is a boy in my life.
sometimes i wonder why when hearing this the automatic assumption is
"so you're dating someone."
no, i am not dating anyone nor am i "talking to" anybody.
when i say there is a boy in my life,
i am referring to the person i feel closest to at this moment.
the person who keeps me motivated on most days.
the one who i am able to express myself in detail to without hesitation.
and not only that, but the guy who knows me better than anyone else.
as you can see, i have much appreciation for this person.
i think the one thing that really convinced me of our LONG-LASTING friendship is this:
when i have a "problem" in my life or have something i need to vent about,
he doesn't sit there and feel sorry for me or give me sympathy.
(although that's something we all kind of fish for at some point)
instead he tells me, no things WILL change and pushes me out of my slump.
instead he gives me a reality check.
INSTEAD, he doesn't hold back and tells me what i NEED to hear, not what i WANT to.
i see it as a "pull yourself together and deal with it."
that's not something you get from every other friend.
honestly, i could go on and on about this topic,
but for now i'll leave it at that.
we all need a "best friend" in our lives and i'm lucky to have found mine.
i love ending my days with being myself with him.
and i will do my best to not lose it.
in fact, i myself will never lose it.
it's going to be up to him whether or not there will ever be an end.
i pinky promise.

my next topic kind of goes off on a tangent on the previous one.
i tried to rekindle a couple of friendships recently with people i've lost.
this is something i hear a lot "elissa knows everyone" "you're friends with everyone"
it may seem this way but i tend to have a bad habit.
i distance myself from some of the most important people in life at a certain point.
yes, it has happened rather consistently unfortunately.
and i HAVE told the one i talked about in the last paragraph thing.
i am on a mission to not let this happen again. i can't afford that.
in fact, i am not going anywhere.
if that friendship were to ever end, it'd be because that person chooses for it to, not me.
BUT back to the people i have tried to make amends with.
there are two former friends i had that, in all honesty, were the cause of lots of heartache.
i unintentionally lied for them, defended them, and lost friends because of them.
at first, i was convinced that i didn't care because these two were all i needed.
i came to the conclusion, after lots of sadness and stress, that i was wrong. VERY WRONG.
although i tend to have this "habit,"
i am also not the type to like conflict. i avoid it as much as i can.
and this is the only friendship that had subsided badly.
so with this conscience i have been blessed/cursed with,
i tried to fix things. make things right.
in a way, i guess this is all due to selfish intentions.
i had decided that if i were to die right now,
i'd have no regrets except for this.
and that was not something i wanted to live with.
but of course, this all backfired.
i received blame, frustration, and lack of compromise.
it's what i deserve i guess, but it was a little painful.
i did my part though, and i can't dwell on it anymore.
i've been privileged enough to find people that WILL look past my flaws,
and for that i could not be more grateful.

i FINALLY renewed my disneyland pass.
PRAISE THE LORD.
it had been over 7 months since i had one and for me, that's torture.
but i was away for college so i guess it wouldn't have done me much good anyways.
i plan to make very good use of it though.
i don't have any money to waste, right?
so take full advantage of this opportunity!

i am avoiding facebook for the time being.
this is kind of my very own "detox."
people keep telling me to go back on,
but i think that's like being tempted with alcohol for an alcoholic.
i need to overcome this urge before i can safely get back to it.
i'll be back by the time school starts though. :)

other than all of this, my life is pretty boring.
hanging out with friends and family here and there.
taking more insight on my life and what i need to do in order to grow in all aspects.
to sum it all up, my life is amazing.
i could not ask for anymore and i have nothing to complain about.
THANK GOD.

hopefully i'll remember to update this more.
it will probably be good to have as a reminder of what my life was like later in the future.

i love blogging.

my only escape.

honestly, i've decided that blogspot is my only real escape.
i do realize there are a few people that follow me on this,
but first of all,
they are people that i trust.
ALSO, this is a place that i can be honest with myself.
i really should not worry about what other people think of me anyways.

i choose blogspot because there are certain people that i actually DON'T want to know.
well not necessarily that i don't want them to know,
but more it's just easier for me to express myself knowing that they won't read it.

so there's this boy.
i will not name names, write descriptions, or identify them in anyway.
but when i talk to him and see him,
things suddenly are happier and simpler.
he goes out of his way to see me and to spend time with me.
it's really something i appreciate.
he knows.. ALWAYS knows when something is wrong,
even if all we're doing is texting.
and usually i'm not that easy of a person to read.
this in itself makes me realize how lucky i am. :)
i know this is too cheesy and lame for my blog.
i can't help it though,
ever since i've been talking to him i've really been content.
i'm not saying there weren't any downfalls in this.
when there were though, they were my fault and i really do regret it.
i've gone through the whole doubting and insecurity stage countless amounts of times.
only to come out of it realizing how stupid and dramatic i was being.
yet he still manages to stand by me regardless of how i acted.
there are many complications with the friendship i have with this person.
MANY complications. but we are both willing to work with them.
but i really do hope that sometime in the future,
things will be much simpler and will work out the way i'd like.
he makes me laugh ALL the time and can get me out of the worst moods.
i am also able to tell him everything.. EVERYTHING without feeling judged.
i also know that a lot of his friends would not appreciate us being a friends.
but he told me the other day that it didn't matter to him.
what's even weirder is that i feel the same way.
usually i am easily affected by what others think of me.
but i really could not care less if people don't like this.
most importantly to me though, he truly cares.
i've never met a person that genuinely cared as much as he does.
no, there is no physical evidence of this, but sometimes you just know.

to wrap things up, i like him.
he knows this and i am truly thankful to have him in my life.
i am blessed.

***edit: june 7, 2011
even though things didn't work out with this person in that way,
we are still closer than ever, well at least i feel that he is to me.
and what's funny is,
although i don't feel any of these things in a romantic way anymore,
each thing i said in this post are still as relevant as ever.
funny how fine the line is between liking someone as a "friend, and loving someone as a best friend.
it's unbelievable how much this same person means to me,
just in a different way now.

expectations.

one thing i've learned over the last few weeks:

no expectations= no disappointment.

i KNOW i've always been one to fall for words rather than actions.
that has never been a good thing, i guess.
i just really thought that it'd be different this time,
but i should have known better than that.

i don't blog but i just need a way to be honest with myself.
there needs to be something that can be a reminder of my stupidity.
it's a good way to relay experience into the future.
and this is only because the best thing to do with situations like this is learn from them.

i honestly don't know WHAT to think.
then i jump to the conclusion that it's me that needs to change.
i'm not saying it's not true,
everyone has space to make changes.
but it's one thing to change, it's another thing to fix.

what if i'm just being overly sensitive and dramatic?
that is actually a huge possibility seeing how i tend to jump to conclusions easily.
my friend sarah told me "don't stop caring, just don't care as much."
that's not easy for me though,
i give the people in my life my all.
it's either all or nothing. and usually it's all.
i believe that it's my God-given gift to genuinely love others.
which is why i feel that i chose the right major.
it's a gift, but i'm starting to think it's also a curse.

........ this is where i stopped as i noticed the news about the tsunami in Japan.

after i started reading about this and watching it on the news,
i realized how selfish i was being.
first of all, this hit me hard because i have so much family there.
also, i met SO many new friends over there this summer during my mission trip.
i mean i'm complaining about boys, friends, "drama"
and there are people across the ocean working to keep their lives.
i felt so embarrassed and ashamed.
it made me happy though to see all these
people coming together in prayer for one purpose.
that really touched me.
then AJ Rafael posted a video dedication to Japan.
it hit me hard and i definitely teared up.
i'm just hoping all these people i love are okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0wGZv6Gjs0&feature=feedu

Elissa, remember. sometimes it may seem like you're going through hell,
but in reality, your life is amazing and you're so blessed.