good day.

oh how i wish you could know how much you made my day! :]]

let it go.

i have not written in this thing in a really long time.
i've just come to a point where i need to express myself SOMEWHERE.
so i decided that i'd do it here.

first of all,
note to self: STAY FOCUSED.
after slacking off immensely due to fun and socializing last year,
i have now come to the conclusion that i NEED to focus.
there is no way i can let little things get in the way anymore..
as well as procrastination!
so please, self, keep your eye on the goal.

another thing i want to talk about is this new school year.
i had convinced myself about 95% that i'd be transferring to LSU winter quarter.
after coming back to PUC, i am no longer too sure about that.
it's a scary thought knowing that i have yet another uncertainty.
i dislike this feeling that i need to make a decision and it needs to be SOON!
but i'm keeping it close to my heart and in my prayers.

i was excited to be back,
getting to see all my friends and being in a different environment than home.
but as i should have expected,
things have changed drastically since last year.
i, unfortunately, am not able to be around people as much
and am also convinced that i'm slowly losing friends.
it's KILLING me to know this, but there's nothing i can do.
trust me, i've tried.
maybe i shouldn't complain about this here.
i don't want people to get the wrong idea..
i love them all, and i hope they know that.
but lately all i feel is under-appreciation and distance.
i honestly don't ask for much.
in fact, i do just about ANYTHING to make people happy.
i am definitely a people-pleaser (with boundaries of course. haha)
but i'm over it.
i won't please everyone no matter how hard i try
and what makes it worse is i've only become a pushover now.
no thank you's, no what can we do for YOU, nothing.
and when i DO ask for something, i get hesitations.
but as much as it makes me want to cry,
i enjoy it.
i love the feeling of being able to help my friends.
no matter what, i want to be there for them
and although i have been discouraged probably everyday so far this quarter,
i will never turn my back. EVER.
it's funny because people always tell me i am like that to make OTHERS happy.
but this makes me happy..
meaning, i actually do this for myself.
i know that one day, people will realize this.
but for now, i just have to keep reminding myself of it.

i can already tell this quarter is going to be an interesting journey.
but i know i can pull through it
and maybe even learn to love it!
17 credits, loss of friends, and decisions to be made.
i need to let it go and enjoy it.

<33 elissa

LOVE-HATE relationship.

the reason for my blog title:
EDGAR [VAN ACES] MOMPLAISIR,
i will NEVER hate you.
there may be days where i don't like you,
but i still love you. hahaha
[[which is where the "love-hate" part comes in]]

i think i've gotten my point across.

aaaanyways,
i would like to talk about my weekend!
it turned out to be a pretty wonderful one. :]]

my weeks basically end on thursdays.
this is because i have an extremely hectic day on wednesdays
consisting of classes [[pretty much straight through]] from 1-9 PM.
but thursday i don't have class,
and fridays i have one class which is at 1-1:50. not bad. :]]

so i shall start with thursday!
this past thursday was april muya's birthday.
it started off with my roommate and i missing colloquy.
we were late by 2 minutes so we wouldn't get credit for it.
what made it worse was this one would count for 2 colloquys. :/
ohhhh well! i heard it wasn't a horrible one to miss!
after colloquy we ate in the cafeteria and socialized. yay!
then we came back to the dorms,
and just hung out for awhile/cleaned my room.
sarah arrogante said she wanted to do a birthday photo shoot for april,
because we all decided to dress up for her birthday!
although i don't feel that cameras can handle my beauty
[[hahaha just kidding, i don't like my picture taken.]]
i agreed to it.. for april. i know i know, what a good friend! [[hahahaha jk.]]
so we went around campus just taking pictures.




after our little photo expedition finished,
we decided to take april down this mountain of isolation and eat.
so we figured that while we did that, might as well see a movie!
we went to santa rosa and watched "how to train your dragon"
which was SUCH a good movie! i really want to watch it again!
after that, we all went to santa rosa mall and ate.
it was nice to get away.
when we got back,
amy and i decided we could celebrate AGAIN,
so we had a dorm surprise party!
amy bought ice cream and cookies,
everyone hid, and when she came in, they all yelled "surprise!"
girls were hiding in the closet, on my bed, on amy's bed, under the desk, and behind chairs. haha






after that, people slowly started leaving to go to sleep,
by the end, it was only iliana and i left and we talked until 5 in the morning! love her.
i love my dorm hall! :]]

then we come to friday!
this day wasn't all THAT eventful,
especially since i had stayed up so late the night before,
so i woke up at 12:30,
went to my only class at 1.
then when i got back at 2, i went back to sleep till about 7.
when i woke up i took a shower and went to vespers at 8.
before vespers though,
michael and edgar decided to go see kick-ass.
they asked if i wanted to go, i was SO down.
we left vespers a little bit early,
and off to napa movie theatre we went!
that movie was so funnyyyy!
a little bit vulgar, but it was almost necessary.
i liked it a lot, thanks guys! :]] you are both awesome.

saturday,
because i got back late and slept earlyyy in the morning AGAIN,
i decided to sleep in... again.
mannn.. i need to kick this church-skipping habit.
although i must admit, i go more than i had thought i would!
anyways, after church amy said they were going to eat.
so i tagged along and we ended up going to calistoga.
it's such a cute little town there!
we ate at a chinese restaurant and it happened to be andrew cabal's birthday!
that was a lot of fun, being with friends. :]]
after that amy, yoseph, april, and i walked around calistoga looking at thrift stores.
we got back and i had gotten food for michael and edgar,
so i went to newton and gave it to them.
we ended up sitting in the yucky lobby of newton for awhile.
talking and talking, cause all of us do a good job of that.
then i went back to my room,
and iliana panameno and sarah supit were thinking about having a glee marathon!
it was funny because amy and i had bought drinks to have a party too!
so everyone came to our room and we mixed VIRGIN drinks and watched glee.
i fell asleep though. :/ ohhh well.


today! or i guess yesterday? haha
well either way, sunday, nonetheless,
was a pretty chill day.
i woke up around 12. wow i am so lazy! haha
and then i decided to clean up because my room looked like we had a CRAZY party.
it was almost scary drunken-night kinda messy. hahaha
then edgar called and said to go to the cafeteria.
so i went, which was nice because i hadn't been out yet.
then we decided to go to jamba juice because they have a buy one get one free deal.
so edgar, michael castellanos, jacob bernal, oliver charles and i went to napa.
we got jamba juice, then went to in-n-out/mcdonalds and got food.
after we got back, iliana had asked if we wanted to go play basketball.
well i didn't. haha i don't play, but i told her i'd go watch.
so we all [[except jacob]] went to the gym.
it was really fun! michelle mercado, chris brown [[not the singer]], and brigette were there.
then we hung out, and after awhile we played h-o-r-s-e and knock out!
i love all these guys, such a fun group of people to be with!

this weekend was very eventful, and LOTS of fun!
makes me remember why i'm here again. :]]

SPRING QUARTER..

WELL! i guess it's about time i start writing again.
spring quarter has bloomed [[eh eh get it? spring? bloomed?]]
which means new schedule, new room, and new major.
yes, new major.
i have as of a week ago changed my major to social work.
crazy, i know!
i am not following the norm of the typical asian becoming a nurse.
you may be asking yourself what my parents are thinking..
i am wondering that same thing.
well i know my parents will always be supportive of me,
but of course they also have their preferences. ya know?
so i guess we'll just have to see what they say when i tell them. haha
they know i was considering it, just not that i have made it official.
now to the "new room" part.
yahhhh i have a new room.. and a new roommate.
her name is amy park and i know for a fact,
it's going to be one interesting quarter for this particular reason.
i'm not saying good and i'm not saying bad.
we'll stick with interesting.
so anyways, i have actually planned to start a blog,
within my blog, with stories and scenarios of my current living situation.
i will call it my "new roommate blog"
AAAANYWAYS, as for the new schedule,
ehhh not that exciting.
pretty boring actually.
other than the fact that all my days basically start at 1
and on wednesdays i end at 9. :/
well that's basically it!
yes, my life is not all that exciting for right now.
but hey! i'm not complaining.
plus, i'm going home this weekend!
alumni weekend and chillin with the faaaam.
whom i miss dearly. :]]

*new roommate blog:
i put this on facebook.. but i'm gonna start off with it anyways.

me: "my nose hurts"
amy: "because.. you.."
me: "no amy no!"
amy: "what??"
me: i just assumed you were gonna say something stupid!"
amy: "i was gonna ask if you were sick.."

HAHAHA sorry amy..

ALSO..

me: i'll be right back. i'm gonna go to the bathroom.
amy: okay. want me to come with you?
me: uhmm no thank you.
amy: haha okayyyy! i'll be waiting outside the door! ;)

Spring Break.

sooo i guess you could say this is the start of spring break.
it hasn't been all that eventful, but i'm enjoying this time to relax
and be with my family. [[even though they can drive me crazy]]
right now we are ACTUALLY spending time together and watching some show.
i guess this is a show that they all love, but i never heard of it.
it's called "castle," and so far, it's pretty good!
i've noticed that my disappointment in people,
especially old time friends. the ones you depend on the most.
i have learned to appreciate the new people i've met.
this makes me sad because i have no REAL motivation to
make an effort to plan a get together with my friends from high school.
i mean, i'd love to see them, but i don't want to plan it like i normally would want to.
as sad as this is, i guess it's good that i have learned to love my new friends.
anyways, we'll just have to see how this week pans out.
it's going to be interesting, but more than anything, it's so nice to be with my family.
i have really, really missed them.





*sidenote: LSU or PUC next year?! decisions decisions.

i'm hungry.

yes, hungry.
wondering why? well let me explain.
SO amy and i decided that we will room together,
and incidentally, my roommate decided that she wanted to move also.
so things were working out pretty nicely.
in fact, so nicely, that during dead week and finals, i have a room to myself.
this is perfect because i can study with no distractions and no extra people.
[[besides the drop-ins, of course]]
ANYWAYS, everything is just fine and dandy.
amy and i are planning to get a TV for the room,
bunk the beds together,
and NOT drive each other crazy [[challenge of the freakin' YEAR!]]
weeeell, today i came back to my room at around 2,
and something seemed weird about the room.
then i noticed, oh! my roommate took the rest of her stuff. that's cool.
well then i came back again around 7 pm.
something STILL wasn't right.
then i looked by the sink,
and ALL my cold/frozen foods and drinks were on the floor.
yes, my roommate took the fridge and left my sodas, waters, ice creams, frozen foods, etc.
but i then realized she must have only came once,
which MEANS it had been sitting there for a LONG TIME.
it took me by surprise because it's not her refrigerator.
we both had microwaves and her old roommate and the girl replacing her both had fridges.
SO we decided that we'd just trade for awhile.
but oh well, just gotta go buy some new food and hope amy gets the refrigerator SOON.

to lighten things up a bit.
i, tonight, have realized i am proud to be the innocent one who spends time with the "not so innocent."
good guys, in fact, GREAT guys. some of my favorite people here!
and it's not that they're HORRIBLE.
it's a reputation thing.
and i don't mind it ONE BIT.
the reason is, judgment only tortures the judge, not the judged.
i know who i am and i know what awesome people my friends are!
i could care less what other people really are thinking about me.
so i told them, i am proudly calling myself "ironic" in the situation.
[[well actually i told michael i'm an oxymoron. but i know the jokes that will come. haha]]

btw. i am SUPER sleepy and a lot of what i'm writing doesn't make much sense.
but this is making more sense than what i've BEEN saying tonight. haha gahhhh! whatever.

LOVE.

okay this is going to be a really short post.

my friend, cameron crabtree, put this as a status and it got me thinking for a long time.

"What is Love to you? I wanna know so lay it on me. :D"

yuuup. i'm still thinking.

valentine's day.

well it came, and it went.

today was just not a great day.
i have not been this down in awhile.
no, i am not gonna get all emo or anything.
everyone just has those days. you know?

well for starters, this weekend was college days.
i got lucky enough to help!
it was pretty fun to see people who i haven't seen in awhile.
but of course, all great things come to an end.
they all had to leave today.
it's nice to have my room back and everything,
but at the same time, it's rather lonely.
according to my assessment text.
i am 9.2/10 extroverted/social/people-related.
so that just expains a lot right there.

along with that,
today is also valentine's day.
people are out and about,
enjoying each other's romantic company, etc.
but being the cynical person i am,
i have never and probably never will enjoy this holiday.
not because i am against relationships and love.
i am actually quite the opposite.
but for me, i am not the romantic type.
maybe it's the insensitivity in me.
the assessment test also said that.
i am pretty equal in insensitivity and sensitivity.
but it leans more towards insensitive.
if that makes any sense at all. haha
either way, that's the conclusion i've come to.

other than that, i just slept the day away.
went to sleep at 3:30 this morning,
woke up at 9.
then went back to sleep at 12.
and woke up at 6.
haha so i wasn't kidding. the day was gone.
buuuut, while i was complaing to a friend about today..
first of all he said something that just made me smile.
and second of all i told him hopefully tomorrow is better..
and he said "tomorrow will be as good as you make it."
caught me off guard and at the same time smacked some realization into my head.
first of all, i really just don't know what i'd do without this guy.
secondly, i CHOOSE to have things to complain about when actually, i have a great life.

thank you royce jones.
for being that small voice in my head.
i really wish you were still here. :[[

breathing God.

so i was talking to my friend last night online.
first of all, i have to tell you about this guy.
a really good guy who has just had to deal with many difficulties lately.
as tough as i know it has been for him, he's been keeping strong.
i wish he could be around again, just because he's one of the few who
really radiated God's love at this school. i'm glad we're friends. :]]
but one thing that always impresses me is the faith this guy has in God.
i talk to him and i always get some kind of inspiring little message from him.
He will tell me not to worry about things because God's got it under control,
or he will say that sometimes he feels alone, but he knows that God always has his back.
i admire that in him and i feel that he is definitely someone God has sent to encourage me.

now back to my point,
i have been pretty stressed about school, career choice, and life itself lately.
i was talking to him just now and he said something that really caught my attention.

"okay, close your eyes for 30 seconds and take deep breathes. focus on the breaths like make sure your mind is focused on the sound of air leaving and entering your body. and when your done tell me how you feel."

i did this and he talked about how HE feels when he does the same thing.

"there is this thing that people back in bible days used to say or something that when God breathed the breath of life into adam that he spoke his name "YAHWEH" into his breath. now i want you to do the same thing again but when you inhalen i want you to imagine the sound of the "yah" and when you exhale imagine the sound of "weh" and tell me what you think."

so again, i did this, and surprisingly i felt extremely comforted. which is exactly what i told him.

"its because when we take deep breaths to calm ourselves down were saying "yahweh" the one name that just means God in itself, nothing more and nothing less. so when we breath we breath God"

when i told him i was going to write this down because it is very encouraging he said..

"do that and remember it, whenever your felling stressed remember that your very breath is calling God's name.. i think God did that on purpose haha. God's smart like that. You know he knew that we would fall but he set up ways for us to communicate and find him if we want to, like some kind of national treasure type of thing haha."

all in all,
i have come to the point where it's as though i can not stress anymore.
i've reached the limit and my only option is leaving it up to God.
i'm so thankful that i have had the chance to meet someone who can show this to me.
sometimes, we just need that reassurance that God is there for us, no matter what.

a non-directional blog.

so i have nothing pre-planned to write in this blog..
i'm just writing.
today i was talking to adriana,
and we came to a confusing, yet very true conclusion on life.
first of all, growing up is NOT easy.
when i say not easy, i mean it is not a solid path built right at your feet.
i'd put it as more, bricks handed to you in hope you place each one in the right place.
i'm not saying i don't believe God has a plan,
because i really do, firmly believe this!
i just think that growing up, we have always been taught not to worry,
God will take control over everything.
I feel that this is only accurate if we are willing to follow His every command
and as the stupid humans we are, this RARELY ever happens.

i have been SO excited to go home.
in fact, homesickness would be an appropriate way to put it.
i don't think this is because i don't like my school, because i do. really.
it's just that the phrase "there's no place like home" has been a brick wall in my mind.
there is nothing that will knock this down, except going home.
i think it has a lot to do with the fact that it has been raining on and off since we got back.
i love the rain. i really really do.
but when that's all you see for 4 weeks straight, it kind of gets to you.
thankfully, the rain has subsided temporarily this week.

on a brighter note, i AM, in fact going home this weekend.
i can not wait to be back in my own room!
i am a little bit disappointed to,
because my family will still be routinely doing their jobs.
this meaning my parents at work and sister at school.
ohhh well. i don't really care!
as long as i am back home, it will be a good weekend.

well i guess i'm done complaining and being boring for tonight!

btw.. *he's pretty cute! ;]]

sucker for those sentimental moments.

i am generally a pretty sentimental person.
when people say things that make me think "awwww"
i really appreciate that.
it makes me feel so much happier and definitely makes those days.

sooo tonight i had a long talk with my favorite girl adriana.
when i say long, i mean long. two and a half hours long.
it felt so good to be able to catch up and just talk things out.
we talked about all the difficulties we have been dealing with.
she allowed me to vent about everything and anything,
no matter how important she felt it was.
she took the time to listen to every little thing
and even give her input on the situation.
i love her advice and the insight she has on so many things.
i just really appreciated her tonight.
made me realize how much i miss her and being home.
but at the same time she helped me understand
just how much i should appreciate where i am too.

lately, my friend wesley has been texting me rather consistently.
generally every night or so.
this has been really comforting because we had somewhat lost contact
due to our busy schedules and just life in general.
especially with what he's been dealing with,
it makes me feel so good that he puts his worries aside to listen to mine.

then there's this boy. daniel chavez.
whenever i'm sad, bored, tired, angry, or just in a really awkward situation,
he is always there to talk to.
i'm so glad about that.
one thing in particular lately that he's done to make me happy..
even though it's just a small thing..
is answer those little questionaires on facebook.
and he always puts me for these random things,
such as loyal friend, bestest friend, etc.. and it makes me happy!
i'm glad that no matter how much we talk,
we know we can always be there for each other.. no matter what.

then another one is jordan.
he will randomly send "i love you" texts.
or just ask how i am doing and it really means a lot to me.
he will also post things about his faith on facebook, twitter, etc.
it's amazing how much small things can have an impact on other people's lives.
i know his little words of encouragement definitely made a difference for ME.

anyways, these are just a few of the things i've noticed that have really made me feel good,
despite the things i've been dealing with.

i guess the start of my new year.

oookay.
so in my previous post,
i wrote that i'd be adding to this blog more often.
obviously that has not been happening.
but michael inspired me to write in this much more.
not that there hasn't been a lot going on in my life!
it's actually quite the opposite.

as much as i love my life,
things haven't been going my way lately.

first of all,
i tend to not get along with girls.
especially after living in the same building with them for a few months.
it's not that i don't like them.. particularly.
more the fact that there is just wayyy too much unncessary drama.
i won't go into too much detail but for example:
three of us traded roommates because my current [[new]] roommate
wasn't getting along with a girl her OLD roommate hung out with.
tragic i know. soooo long story short, girls being girls and i have a new roommate.

then we have my quite depressed friend.
this friend is a good person. a very good person, in fact.
they unfortunately did not like puc so left after a quarter.
i had not been as good a friend as i probably should have while they were here,
but then decided i would just show them that it's not all that bad here.
i later found myself talking to them almost on a daily basis,
trying to encourage them not to do anything TOO drastic.
yes, meaning anything threatening to their life.
it's been a long, strenuous road, but i finally got through to them.
although they had mentioned giving up on belief in God,
they admitted to me, that after i told them i was praying for them,
God has been so much more apparent in their life.
this in itself was a blessing to ME.
but then again, tonight has been that whole rollercoaster effect,
and unfortunately, it's the "up" stage. "the climb"
i just pray that this person has not done anything crazy.
i'd be devestated and crushed.
not to mention the disappointment after thinking
"i may have just saved a life. physically, mentally, AND spiritually"

again i mention,
girls have generally not been my first priority in friends.
i don't know why, but it's so hard for me to be that tolerant.
i could name the amount of girl friends i have on one hand.
well i mean, girl friends that i fully trust.
so with that said, there's this one.
she is a new friend and goes to puc.
and she as well, has the same feeling about girls.
so much so, that she has had enough with her roommate,
that she's leaving next quarter to la sierra.
so basically one of the only new girls i've met and gotten along with,
is now leaving to a place where i have been considering myself.
what a way to put myself in an interesting situation.

which brings me to something else,
do i want to stay at puc or go to la sierra?
i like it here, i really do.
the people are great [[for the most part]]
and i love the environment, i'm not gonna lie.
the feeling of being in more of a nature setting is soothing.
but i miss being home so much.
the fact that la sierra is only about a 45 minute drive,
my family is right there, and majority of my friends go to LSU
really makes me think.
do i want to be here.
then again, with my major and everything,
i have much more opportunity when it comes to nursing program choices.
if i stay here, i will be much more likely to get into the puc program,
and also have a chance at loma linda.
whereas if i go to la sierra my best bet is loma linda, which is hard to get into.
ohhh the choices that determine life. :/

anyways, this is some of the things bothering me.
i wanted to write them down for future reference.
pray for me and i am doing the same... a lot.

"oh God, please help me and show me You're there"