let it go.

i have not written in this thing in a really long time.
i've just come to a point where i need to express myself SOMEWHERE.
so i decided that i'd do it here.

first of all,
note to self: STAY FOCUSED.
after slacking off immensely due to fun and socializing last year,
i have now come to the conclusion that i NEED to focus.
there is no way i can let little things get in the way anymore..
as well as procrastination!
so please, self, keep your eye on the goal.

another thing i want to talk about is this new school year.
i had convinced myself about 95% that i'd be transferring to LSU winter quarter.
after coming back to PUC, i am no longer too sure about that.
it's a scary thought knowing that i have yet another uncertainty.
i dislike this feeling that i need to make a decision and it needs to be SOON!
but i'm keeping it close to my heart and in my prayers.

i was excited to be back,
getting to see all my friends and being in a different environment than home.
but as i should have expected,
things have changed drastically since last year.
i, unfortunately, am not able to be around people as much
and am also convinced that i'm slowly losing friends.
it's KILLING me to know this, but there's nothing i can do.
trust me, i've tried.
maybe i shouldn't complain about this here.
i don't want people to get the wrong idea..
i love them all, and i hope they know that.
but lately all i feel is under-appreciation and distance.
i honestly don't ask for much.
in fact, i do just about ANYTHING to make people happy.
i am definitely a people-pleaser (with boundaries of course. haha)
but i'm over it.
i won't please everyone no matter how hard i try
and what makes it worse is i've only become a pushover now.
no thank you's, no what can we do for YOU, nothing.
and when i DO ask for something, i get hesitations.
but as much as it makes me want to cry,
i enjoy it.
i love the feeling of being able to help my friends.
no matter what, i want to be there for them
and although i have been discouraged probably everyday so far this quarter,
i will never turn my back. EVER.
it's funny because people always tell me i am like that to make OTHERS happy.
but this makes me happy..
meaning, i actually do this for myself.
i know that one day, people will realize this.
but for now, i just have to keep reminding myself of it.

i can already tell this quarter is going to be an interesting journey.
but i know i can pull through it
and maybe even learn to love it!
17 credits, loss of friends, and decisions to be made.
i need to let it go and enjoy it.

<33 elissa