honestly, i've decided that blogspot is my only real escape.
i do realize there are a few people that follow me on this,
but first of all,
they are people that i trust.
ALSO, this is a place that i can be honest with myself.
i really should not worry about what other people think of me anyways.
i choose blogspot because there are certain people that i actually DON'T want to know.
well not necessarily that i don't want them to know,
but more it's just easier for me to express myself knowing that they won't read it.
so there's this boy.
i will not name names, write descriptions, or identify them in anyway.
but when i talk to him and see him,
things suddenly are happier and simpler.
he goes out of his way to see me and to spend time with me.
it's really something i appreciate.
he knows.. ALWAYS knows when something is wrong,
even if all we're doing is texting.
and usually i'm not that easy of a person to read.
this in itself makes me realize how lucky i am. :)
i know this is too cheesy and lame for my blog.
i can't help it though,
ever since i've been talking to him i've really been content.
i'm not saying there weren't any downfalls in this.
when there were though, they were my fault and i really do regret it.
i've gone through the whole doubting and insecurity stage countless amounts of times.
only to come out of it realizing how stupid and dramatic i was being.
yet he still manages to stand by me regardless of how i acted.
there are many complications with the friendship i have with this person.
MANY complications. but we are both willing to work with them.
but i really do hope that sometime in the future,
things will be much simpler and will work out the way i'd like.
he makes me laugh ALL the time and can get me out of the worst moods.
i am also able to tell him everything.. EVERYTHING without feeling judged.
i also know that a lot of his friends would not appreciate us being a friends.
but he told me the other day that it didn't matter to him.
what's even weirder is that i feel the same way.
usually i am easily affected by what others think of me.
but i really could not care less if people don't like this.
most importantly to me though, he truly cares.
i've never met a person that genuinely cared as much as he does.
no, there is no physical evidence of this, but sometimes you just know.
to wrap things up, i like him.
he knows this and i am truly thankful to have him in my life.
i am blessed.
***edit: june 7, 2011
even though things didn't work out with this person in that way,
we are still closer than ever, well at least i feel that he is to me.
and what's funny is,
although i don't feel any of these things in a romantic way anymore,
each thing i said in this post are still as relevant as ever.
funny how fine the line is between liking someone as a "friend, and loving someone as a best friend.
it's unbelievable how much this same person means to me,
just in a different way now.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
expectations.
one thing i've learned over the last few weeks:
no expectations= no disappointment.
i KNOW i've always been one to fall for words rather than actions.
that has never been a good thing, i guess.
i just really thought that it'd be different this time,
but i should have known better than that.
i don't blog but i just need a way to be honest with myself.
there needs to be something that can be a reminder of my stupidity.
it's a good way to relay experience into the future.
and this is only because the best thing to do with situations like this is learn from them.
i honestly don't know WHAT to think.
then i jump to the conclusion that it's me that needs to change.
i'm not saying it's not true,
everyone has space to make changes.
but it's one thing to change, it's another thing to fix.
what if i'm just being overly sensitive and dramatic?
that is actually a huge possibility seeing how i tend to jump to conclusions easily.
my friend sarah told me "don't stop caring, just don't care as much."
that's not easy for me though,
i give the people in my life my all.
it's either all or nothing. and usually it's all.
i believe that it's my God-given gift to genuinely love others.
which is why i feel that i chose the right major.
it's a gift, but i'm starting to think it's also a curse.
........ this is where i stopped as i noticed the news about the tsunami in Japan.
after i started reading about this and watching it on the news,
i realized how selfish i was being.
first of all, this hit me hard because i have so much family there.
also, i met SO many new friends over there this summer during my mission trip.
i mean i'm complaining about boys, friends, "drama"
and there are people across the ocean working to keep their lives.
i felt so embarrassed and ashamed.
it made me happy though to see all these
people coming together in prayer for one purpose.
that really touched me.
then AJ Rafael posted a video dedication to Japan.
it hit me hard and i definitely teared up.
i'm just hoping all these people i love are okay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0wGZv6Gjs0&feature=feedu
Elissa, remember. sometimes it may seem like you're going through hell,
but in reality, your life is amazing and you're so blessed.
no expectations= no disappointment.
i KNOW i've always been one to fall for words rather than actions.
that has never been a good thing, i guess.
i just really thought that it'd be different this time,
but i should have known better than that.
i don't blog but i just need a way to be honest with myself.
there needs to be something that can be a reminder of my stupidity.
it's a good way to relay experience into the future.
and this is only because the best thing to do with situations like this is learn from them.
i honestly don't know WHAT to think.
then i jump to the conclusion that it's me that needs to change.
i'm not saying it's not true,
everyone has space to make changes.
but it's one thing to change, it's another thing to fix.
what if i'm just being overly sensitive and dramatic?
that is actually a huge possibility seeing how i tend to jump to conclusions easily.
my friend sarah told me "don't stop caring, just don't care as much."
that's not easy for me though,
i give the people in my life my all.
it's either all or nothing. and usually it's all.
i believe that it's my God-given gift to genuinely love others.
which is why i feel that i chose the right major.
it's a gift, but i'm starting to think it's also a curse.
........ this is where i stopped as i noticed the news about the tsunami in Japan.
after i started reading about this and watching it on the news,
i realized how selfish i was being.
first of all, this hit me hard because i have so much family there.
also, i met SO many new friends over there this summer during my mission trip.
i mean i'm complaining about boys, friends, "drama"
and there are people across the ocean working to keep their lives.
i felt so embarrassed and ashamed.
it made me happy though to see all these
people coming together in prayer for one purpose.
that really touched me.
then AJ Rafael posted a video dedication to Japan.
it hit me hard and i definitely teared up.
i'm just hoping all these people i love are okay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0wGZv6Gjs0&feature=feedu
Elissa, remember. sometimes it may seem like you're going through hell,
but in reality, your life is amazing and you're so blessed.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
let it go.
i have not written in this thing in a really long time.
i've just come to a point where i need to express myself SOMEWHERE.
so i decided that i'd do it here.
first of all,
note to self: STAY FOCUSED.
after slacking off immensely due to fun and socializing last year,
i have now come to the conclusion that i NEED to focus.
there is no way i can let little things get in the way anymore..
as well as procrastination!
so please, self, keep your eye on the goal.
another thing i want to talk about is this new school year.
i had convinced myself about 95% that i'd be transferring to LSU winter quarter.
after coming back to PUC, i am no longer too sure about that.
it's a scary thought knowing that i have yet another uncertainty.
i dislike this feeling that i need to make a decision and it needs to be SOON!
but i'm keeping it close to my heart and in my prayers.
i was excited to be back,
getting to see all my friends and being in a different environment than home.
but as i should have expected,
things have changed drastically since last year.
i, unfortunately, am not able to be around people as much
and am also convinced that i'm slowly losing friends.
it's KILLING me to know this, but there's nothing i can do.
trust me, i've tried.
maybe i shouldn't complain about this here.
i don't want people to get the wrong idea..
i love them all, and i hope they know that.
but lately all i feel is under-appreciation and distance.
i honestly don't ask for much.
in fact, i do just about ANYTHING to make people happy.
i am definitely a people-pleaser (with boundaries of course. haha)
but i'm over it.
i won't please everyone no matter how hard i try
and what makes it worse is i've only become a pushover now.
no thank you's, no what can we do for YOU, nothing.
and when i DO ask for something, i get hesitations.
but as much as it makes me want to cry,
i enjoy it.
i love the feeling of being able to help my friends.
no matter what, i want to be there for them
and although i have been discouraged probably everyday so far this quarter,
i will never turn my back. EVER.
it's funny because people always tell me i am like that to make OTHERS happy.
but this makes me happy..
meaning, i actually do this for myself.
i know that one day, people will realize this.
but for now, i just have to keep reminding myself of it.
i can already tell this quarter is going to be an interesting journey.
but i know i can pull through it
and maybe even learn to love it!
17 credits, loss of friends, and decisions to be made.
i need to let it go and enjoy it.
<33 elissa
i've just come to a point where i need to express myself SOMEWHERE.
so i decided that i'd do it here.
first of all,
note to self: STAY FOCUSED.
after slacking off immensely due to fun and socializing last year,
i have now come to the conclusion that i NEED to focus.
there is no way i can let little things get in the way anymore..
as well as procrastination!
so please, self, keep your eye on the goal.
another thing i want to talk about is this new school year.
i had convinced myself about 95% that i'd be transferring to LSU winter quarter.
after coming back to PUC, i am no longer too sure about that.
it's a scary thought knowing that i have yet another uncertainty.
i dislike this feeling that i need to make a decision and it needs to be SOON!
but i'm keeping it close to my heart and in my prayers.
i was excited to be back,
getting to see all my friends and being in a different environment than home.
but as i should have expected,
things have changed drastically since last year.
i, unfortunately, am not able to be around people as much
and am also convinced that i'm slowly losing friends.
it's KILLING me to know this, but there's nothing i can do.
trust me, i've tried.
maybe i shouldn't complain about this here.
i don't want people to get the wrong idea..
i love them all, and i hope they know that.
but lately all i feel is under-appreciation and distance.
i honestly don't ask for much.
in fact, i do just about ANYTHING to make people happy.
i am definitely a people-pleaser (with boundaries of course. haha)
but i'm over it.
i won't please everyone no matter how hard i try
and what makes it worse is i've only become a pushover now.
no thank you's, no what can we do for YOU, nothing.
and when i DO ask for something, i get hesitations.
but as much as it makes me want to cry,
i enjoy it.
i love the feeling of being able to help my friends.
no matter what, i want to be there for them
and although i have been discouraged probably everyday so far this quarter,
i will never turn my back. EVER.
it's funny because people always tell me i am like that to make OTHERS happy.
but this makes me happy..
meaning, i actually do this for myself.
i know that one day, people will realize this.
but for now, i just have to keep reminding myself of it.
i can already tell this quarter is going to be an interesting journey.
but i know i can pull through it
and maybe even learn to love it!
17 credits, loss of friends, and decisions to be made.
i need to let it go and enjoy it.
<33 elissa
Monday, April 19, 2010
LOVE-HATE relationship.
the reason for my blog title:
EDGAR [VAN ACES] MOMPLAISIR,
i will NEVER hate you.
there may be days where i don't like you,
but i still love you. hahaha
[[which is where the "love-hate" part comes in]]
i think i've gotten my point across.
aaaanyways,
i would like to talk about my weekend!
it turned out to be a pretty wonderful one. :]]
my weeks basically end on thursdays.
this is because i have an extremely hectic day on wednesdays
consisting of classes [[pretty much straight through]] from 1-9 PM.
but thursday i don't have class,
and fridays i have one class which is at 1-1:50. not bad. :]]
so i shall start with thursday!
this past thursday was april muya's birthday.
it started off with my roommate and i missing colloquy.
we were late by 2 minutes so we wouldn't get credit for it.
what made it worse was this one would count for 2 colloquys. :/
ohhhh well! i heard it wasn't a horrible one to miss!
after colloquy we ate in the cafeteria and socialized. yay!
then we came back to the dorms,
and just hung out for awhile/cleaned my room.
sarah arrogante said she wanted to do a birthday photo shoot for april,
because we all decided to dress up for her birthday!
although i don't feel that cameras can handle my beauty
[[hahaha just kidding, i don't like my picture taken.]]
i agreed to it.. for april. i know i know, what a good friend! [[hahahaha jk.]]
so we went around campus just taking pictures.
after our little photo expedition finished,
we decided to take april down this mountain of isolation and eat.
so we figured that while we did that, might as well see a movie!
we went to santa rosa and watched "how to train your dragon"
which was SUCH a good movie! i really want to watch it again!
after that, we all went to santa rosa mall and ate.
it was nice to get away.
when we got back,
amy and i decided we could celebrate AGAIN,
so we had a dorm surprise party!
amy bought ice cream and cookies,
everyone hid, and when she came in, they all yelled "surprise!"
girls were hiding in the closet, on my bed, on amy's bed, under the desk, and behind chairs. haha
after that, people slowly started leaving to go to sleep,
by the end, it was only iliana and i left and we talked until 5 in the morning! love her.
i love my dorm hall! :]]
then we come to friday!
this day wasn't all THAT eventful,
especially since i had stayed up so late the night before,
so i woke up at 12:30,
went to my only class at 1.
then when i got back at 2, i went back to sleep till about 7.
when i woke up i took a shower and went to vespers at 8.
before vespers though,
michael and edgar decided to go see kick-ass.
they asked if i wanted to go, i was SO down.
we left vespers a little bit early,
and off to napa movie theatre we went!
that movie was so funnyyyy!
a little bit vulgar, but it was almost necessary.
i liked it a lot, thanks guys! :]] you are both awesome.
saturday,
because i got back late and slept earlyyy in the morning AGAIN,
i decided to sleep in... again.
mannn.. i need to kick this church-skipping habit.
although i must admit, i go more than i had thought i would!
anyways, after church amy said they were going to eat.
so i tagged along and we ended up going to calistoga.
it's such a cute little town there!
we ate at a chinese restaurant and it happened to be andrew cabal's birthday!
that was a lot of fun, being with friends. :]]
after that amy, yoseph, april, and i walked around calistoga looking at thrift stores.
we got back and i had gotten food for michael and edgar,
so i went to newton and gave it to them.
we ended up sitting in the yucky lobby of newton for awhile.
talking and talking, cause all of us do a good job of that.
then i went back to my room,
and iliana panameno and sarah supit were thinking about having a glee marathon!
it was funny because amy and i had bought drinks to have a party too!
so everyone came to our room and we mixed VIRGIN drinks and watched glee.
i fell asleep though. :/ ohhh well.
today! or i guess yesterday? haha
well either way, sunday, nonetheless,
was a pretty chill day.
i woke up around 12. wow i am so lazy! haha
and then i decided to clean up because my room looked like we had a CRAZY party.
it was almost scary drunken-night kinda messy. hahaha
then edgar called and said to go to the cafeteria.
so i went, which was nice because i hadn't been out yet.
then we decided to go to jamba juice because they have a buy one get one free deal.
so edgar, michael castellanos, jacob bernal, oliver charles and i went to napa.
we got jamba juice, then went to in-n-out/mcdonalds and got food.
after we got back, iliana had asked if we wanted to go play basketball.
well i didn't. haha i don't play, but i told her i'd go watch.
so we all [[except jacob]] went to the gym.
it was really fun! michelle mercado, chris brown [[not the singer]], and brigette were there.
then we hung out, and after awhile we played h-o-r-s-e and knock out!
i love all these guys, such a fun group of people to be with!
this weekend was very eventful, and LOTS of fun!
makes me remember why i'm here again. :]]
EDGAR [VAN ACES] MOMPLAISIR,
i will NEVER hate you.
there may be days where i don't like you,
but i still love you. hahaha
[[which is where the "love-hate" part comes in]]
i think i've gotten my point across.
aaaanyways,
i would like to talk about my weekend!
it turned out to be a pretty wonderful one. :]]
my weeks basically end on thursdays.
this is because i have an extremely hectic day on wednesdays
consisting of classes [[pretty much straight through]] from 1-9 PM.
but thursday i don't have class,
and fridays i have one class which is at 1-1:50. not bad. :]]
so i shall start with thursday!
this past thursday was april muya's birthday.
it started off with my roommate and i missing colloquy.
we were late by 2 minutes so we wouldn't get credit for it.
what made it worse was this one would count for 2 colloquys. :/
ohhhh well! i heard it wasn't a horrible one to miss!
after colloquy we ate in the cafeteria and socialized. yay!
then we came back to the dorms,
and just hung out for awhile/cleaned my room.
sarah arrogante said she wanted to do a birthday photo shoot for april,
because we all decided to dress up for her birthday!
although i don't feel that cameras can handle my beauty
[[hahaha just kidding, i don't like my picture taken.]]
i agreed to it.. for april. i know i know, what a good friend! [[hahahaha jk.]]
so we went around campus just taking pictures.
after our little photo expedition finished,
we decided to take april down this mountain of isolation and eat.
so we figured that while we did that, might as well see a movie!
we went to santa rosa and watched "how to train your dragon"
which was SUCH a good movie! i really want to watch it again!
after that, we all went to santa rosa mall and ate.
it was nice to get away.
when we got back,
amy and i decided we could celebrate AGAIN,
so we had a dorm surprise party!
amy bought ice cream and cookies,
everyone hid, and when she came in, they all yelled "surprise!"
girls were hiding in the closet, on my bed, on amy's bed, under the desk, and behind chairs. haha
after that, people slowly started leaving to go to sleep,
by the end, it was only iliana and i left and we talked until 5 in the morning! love her.
i love my dorm hall! :]]
then we come to friday!
this day wasn't all THAT eventful,
especially since i had stayed up so late the night before,
so i woke up at 12:30,
went to my only class at 1.
then when i got back at 2, i went back to sleep till about 7.
when i woke up i took a shower and went to vespers at 8.
before vespers though,
michael and edgar decided to go see kick-ass.
they asked if i wanted to go, i was SO down.
we left vespers a little bit early,
and off to napa movie theatre we went!
that movie was so funnyyyy!
a little bit vulgar, but it was almost necessary.
i liked it a lot, thanks guys! :]] you are both awesome.
saturday,
because i got back late and slept earlyyy in the morning AGAIN,
i decided to sleep in... again.
mannn.. i need to kick this church-skipping habit.
although i must admit, i go more than i had thought i would!
anyways, after church amy said they were going to eat.
so i tagged along and we ended up going to calistoga.
it's such a cute little town there!
we ate at a chinese restaurant and it happened to be andrew cabal's birthday!
that was a lot of fun, being with friends. :]]
after that amy, yoseph, april, and i walked around calistoga looking at thrift stores.
we got back and i had gotten food for michael and edgar,
so i went to newton and gave it to them.
we ended up sitting in the yucky lobby of newton for awhile.
talking and talking, cause all of us do a good job of that.
then i went back to my room,
and iliana panameno and sarah supit were thinking about having a glee marathon!
it was funny because amy and i had bought drinks to have a party too!
so everyone came to our room and we mixed VIRGIN drinks and watched glee.
i fell asleep though. :/ ohhh well.
today! or i guess yesterday? haha
well either way, sunday, nonetheless,
was a pretty chill day.
i woke up around 12. wow i am so lazy! haha
and then i decided to clean up because my room looked like we had a CRAZY party.
it was almost scary drunken-night kinda messy. hahaha
then edgar called and said to go to the cafeteria.
so i went, which was nice because i hadn't been out yet.
then we decided to go to jamba juice because they have a buy one get one free deal.
so edgar, michael castellanos, jacob bernal, oliver charles and i went to napa.
we got jamba juice, then went to in-n-out/mcdonalds and got food.
after we got back, iliana had asked if we wanted to go play basketball.
well i didn't. haha i don't play, but i told her i'd go watch.
so we all [[except jacob]] went to the gym.
it was really fun! michelle mercado, chris brown [[not the singer]], and brigette were there.
then we hung out, and after awhile we played h-o-r-s-e and knock out!
i love all these guys, such a fun group of people to be with!
this weekend was very eventful, and LOTS of fun!
makes me remember why i'm here again. :]]
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
SPRING QUARTER..
WELL! i guess it's about time i start writing again.
spring quarter has bloomed [[eh eh get it? spring? bloomed?]]
which means new schedule, new room, and new major.
yes, new major.
i have as of a week ago changed my major to social work.
crazy, i know!
i am not following the norm of the typical asian becoming a nurse.
you may be asking yourself what my parents are thinking..
i am wondering that same thing.
well i know my parents will always be supportive of me,
but of course they also have their preferences. ya know?
so i guess we'll just have to see what they say when i tell them. haha
they know i was considering it, just not that i have made it official.
now to the "new room" part.
yahhhh i have a new room.. and a new roommate.
her name is amy park and i know for a fact,
it's going to be one interesting quarter for this particular reason.
i'm not saying good and i'm not saying bad.
we'll stick with interesting.
so anyways, i have actually planned to start a blog,
within my blog, with stories and scenarios of my current living situation.
i will call it my "new roommate blog"
AAAANYWAYS, as for the new schedule,
ehhh not that exciting.
pretty boring actually.
other than the fact that all my days basically start at 1
and on wednesdays i end at 9. :/
well that's basically it!
yes, my life is not all that exciting for right now.
but hey! i'm not complaining.
plus, i'm going home this weekend!
alumni weekend and chillin with the faaaam.
whom i miss dearly. :]]
*new roommate blog:
i put this on facebook.. but i'm gonna start off with it anyways.
me: "my nose hurts"
amy: "because.. you.."
me: "no amy no!"
amy: "what??"
me: i just assumed you were gonna say something stupid!"
amy: "i was gonna ask if you were sick.."
HAHAHA sorry amy..
ALSO..
me: i'll be right back. i'm gonna go to the bathroom.
amy: okay. want me to come with you?
me: uhmm no thank you.
amy: haha okayyyy! i'll be waiting outside the door! ;)
spring quarter has bloomed [[eh eh get it? spring? bloomed?]]
which means new schedule, new room, and new major.
yes, new major.
i have as of a week ago changed my major to social work.
crazy, i know!
i am not following the norm of the typical asian becoming a nurse.
you may be asking yourself what my parents are thinking..
i am wondering that same thing.
well i know my parents will always be supportive of me,
but of course they also have their preferences. ya know?
so i guess we'll just have to see what they say when i tell them. haha
they know i was considering it, just not that i have made it official.
now to the "new room" part.
yahhhh i have a new room.. and a new roommate.
her name is amy park and i know for a fact,
it's going to be one interesting quarter for this particular reason.
i'm not saying good and i'm not saying bad.
we'll stick with interesting.
so anyways, i have actually planned to start a blog,
within my blog, with stories and scenarios of my current living situation.
i will call it my "new roommate blog"
AAAANYWAYS, as for the new schedule,
ehhh not that exciting.
pretty boring actually.
other than the fact that all my days basically start at 1
and on wednesdays i end at 9. :/
well that's basically it!
yes, my life is not all that exciting for right now.
but hey! i'm not complaining.
plus, i'm going home this weekend!
alumni weekend and chillin with the faaaam.
whom i miss dearly. :]]
*new roommate blog:
i put this on facebook.. but i'm gonna start off with it anyways.
me: "my nose hurts"
amy: "because.. you.."
me: "no amy no!"
amy: "what??"
me: i just assumed you were gonna say something stupid!"
amy: "i was gonna ask if you were sick.."
HAHAHA sorry amy..
ALSO..
me: i'll be right back. i'm gonna go to the bathroom.
amy: okay. want me to come with you?
me: uhmm no thank you.
amy: haha okayyyy! i'll be waiting outside the door! ;)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Spring Break.
sooo i guess you could say this is the start of spring break.
it hasn't been all that eventful, but i'm enjoying this time to relax
and be with my family. [[even though they can drive me crazy]]
right now we are ACTUALLY spending time together and watching some show.
i guess this is a show that they all love, but i never heard of it.
it's called "castle," and so far, it's pretty good!
i've noticed that my disappointment in people,
especially old time friends. the ones you depend on the most.
i have learned to appreciate the new people i've met.
this makes me sad because i have no REAL motivation to
make an effort to plan a get together with my friends from high school.
i mean, i'd love to see them, but i don't want to plan it like i normally would want to.
as sad as this is, i guess it's good that i have learned to love my new friends.
anyways, we'll just have to see how this week pans out.
it's going to be interesting, but more than anything, it's so nice to be with my family.
i have really, really missed them.
*sidenote: LSU or PUC next year?! decisions decisions.
it hasn't been all that eventful, but i'm enjoying this time to relax
and be with my family. [[even though they can drive me crazy]]
right now we are ACTUALLY spending time together and watching some show.
i guess this is a show that they all love, but i never heard of it.
it's called "castle," and so far, it's pretty good!
i've noticed that my disappointment in people,
especially old time friends. the ones you depend on the most.
i have learned to appreciate the new people i've met.
this makes me sad because i have no REAL motivation to
make an effort to plan a get together with my friends from high school.
i mean, i'd love to see them, but i don't want to plan it like i normally would want to.
as sad as this is, i guess it's good that i have learned to love my new friends.
anyways, we'll just have to see how this week pans out.
it's going to be interesting, but more than anything, it's so nice to be with my family.
i have really, really missed them.
*sidenote: LSU or PUC next year?! decisions decisions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)