my only escape.

honestly, i've decided that blogspot is my only real escape.
i do realize there are a few people that follow me on this,
but first of all,
they are people that i trust.
ALSO, this is a place that i can be honest with myself.
i really should not worry about what other people think of me anyways.

i choose blogspot because there are certain people that i actually DON'T want to know.
well not necessarily that i don't want them to know,
but more it's just easier for me to express myself knowing that they won't read it.

so there's this boy.
i will not name names, write descriptions, or identify them in anyway.
but when i talk to him and see him,
things suddenly are happier and simpler.
he goes out of his way to see me and to spend time with me.
it's really something i appreciate.
he knows.. ALWAYS knows when something is wrong,
even if all we're doing is texting.
and usually i'm not that easy of a person to read.
this in itself makes me realize how lucky i am. :)
i know this is too cheesy and lame for my blog.
i can't help it though,
ever since i've been talking to him i've really been content.
i'm not saying there weren't any downfalls in this.
when there were though, they were my fault and i really do regret it.
i've gone through the whole doubting and insecurity stage countless amounts of times.
only to come out of it realizing how stupid and dramatic i was being.
yet he still manages to stand by me regardless of how i acted.
there are many complications with the friendship i have with this person.
MANY complications. but we are both willing to work with them.
but i really do hope that sometime in the future,
things will be much simpler and will work out the way i'd like.
he makes me laugh ALL the time and can get me out of the worst moods.
i am also able to tell him everything.. EVERYTHING without feeling judged.
i also know that a lot of his friends would not appreciate us being a friends.
but he told me the other day that it didn't matter to him.
what's even weirder is that i feel the same way.
usually i am easily affected by what others think of me.
but i really could not care less if people don't like this.
most importantly to me though, he truly cares.
i've never met a person that genuinely cared as much as he does.
no, there is no physical evidence of this, but sometimes you just know.

to wrap things up, i like him.
he knows this and i am truly thankful to have him in my life.
i am blessed.

***edit: june 7, 2011
even though things didn't work out with this person in that way,
we are still closer than ever, well at least i feel that he is to me.
and what's funny is,
although i don't feel any of these things in a romantic way anymore,
each thing i said in this post are still as relevant as ever.
funny how fine the line is between liking someone as a "friend, and loving someone as a best friend.
it's unbelievable how much this same person means to me,
just in a different way now.

expectations.

one thing i've learned over the last few weeks:

no expectations= no disappointment.

i KNOW i've always been one to fall for words rather than actions.
that has never been a good thing, i guess.
i just really thought that it'd be different this time,
but i should have known better than that.

i don't blog but i just need a way to be honest with myself.
there needs to be something that can be a reminder of my stupidity.
it's a good way to relay experience into the future.
and this is only because the best thing to do with situations like this is learn from them.

i honestly don't know WHAT to think.
then i jump to the conclusion that it's me that needs to change.
i'm not saying it's not true,
everyone has space to make changes.
but it's one thing to change, it's another thing to fix.

what if i'm just being overly sensitive and dramatic?
that is actually a huge possibility seeing how i tend to jump to conclusions easily.
my friend sarah told me "don't stop caring, just don't care as much."
that's not easy for me though,
i give the people in my life my all.
it's either all or nothing. and usually it's all.
i believe that it's my God-given gift to genuinely love others.
which is why i feel that i chose the right major.
it's a gift, but i'm starting to think it's also a curse.

........ this is where i stopped as i noticed the news about the tsunami in Japan.

after i started reading about this and watching it on the news,
i realized how selfish i was being.
first of all, this hit me hard because i have so much family there.
also, i met SO many new friends over there this summer during my mission trip.
i mean i'm complaining about boys, friends, "drama"
and there are people across the ocean working to keep their lives.
i felt so embarrassed and ashamed.
it made me happy though to see all these
people coming together in prayer for one purpose.
that really touched me.
then AJ Rafael posted a video dedication to Japan.
it hit me hard and i definitely teared up.
i'm just hoping all these people i love are okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0wGZv6Gjs0&feature=feedu

Elissa, remember. sometimes it may seem like you're going through hell,
but in reality, your life is amazing and you're so blessed.